Trigger warning: Sexual assault
Her name is Chanel Miller, but you might know her by her alias, Emily Doe. In 2016, the letter she wrote to the person who sexually assaulted her went viral, her powerful words detailing the life she was forced into because of someone else’s actions.
“You don’t know me, but you’ve been inside me, and that’s why we’re here today,” Miller told her assailant in the letter.
She wrote in response to the sentencing of the man who sexually assaulted her, who only received six months in prison for fear of “severe impact” on him. Pardon my language, but I think we all can agree that the sentence was complete and utter BS.
But Miller took the unjust sentencing as an opportunity to make her voice heard. To make her perpetrator listen to her, and to hear that she wasn’t going to back down. He didn’t break her; he made her stronger.
“Even if the sentence is light, hopefully this will wake people up,” Miller told Buzzfeed News when she turned her letter over to them to publish. “If anything, this is a reason for all of us to speak louder.”
What’s lesser known about Miller, who did not come forward as the identity of Emily Doe until September of last year, is that she’s a talented and creative artist. In coping with mental illness following the assault, she turned to drawing as a sanctuary to freely experience her thoughts and emotions.
“My drawings are never about the assault but how to live with it,” Miller said in an interview with The New York Times.
Miller’s art pins her as representative of the Csikszentmihalyi dichotomy of suffering and enjoyment.
She detailed in an interview with The New York Times that she spent times drawing, expressing anything on her mind through shapes and figures on a page, before she sat down and wrote the letter. Drawing is a pleasurable activity for Miller, and something she’s been especially adept in since her childhood. But it’s also a way that she copes with her most troubling and difficult thoughts.
After drawing, she immediately sat down to write the letter to her perpetrator, forcing her to relive the pain and anger she had been feeling throughout the process. Her process was a push-and-pull of enjoyment and suffering, which surfaced two creatives pieces: her drawings, and her letter.
She continued this process of drawing, or divergent thinking of ideas visually on paper with a black marker, and convergent thinking, or summing up and collecting her thoughts, in the writing process for her memoir, Know My Name, which came out recently.
“Drawing was a way for me to see that I was still there, before I went to a darker place again,” Miller told The New York Times.
Miller has been extrinsically motivated to create as a result of the assault for several reasons.
The media at the time was centered around her perpetrator, who was a promising Stanford swimmer depicted to be bound for “great things” until this “one thing” ruined everything for him. Miller, as Emily Doe, was labeled as the girl who he raped, among other hurtful, derogatory comments on her role in the assault.
“The scariest part of what happened after the assault is that this identity was places on me,” Miller told The New York Times. “And that fueled me and propelled me.”
Miller is opening an art exhibit which will contain the drawings she created throughout her healing process. For Miller, the exhibit gives her an opportunity to change the conversation about sexual assault, and bring people to recognize that it’s not something you wake up one day and get over. It’s about ongoing, elliptical process, and it takes time and patience.
“Creating was no longer my little hobby,” Miller told The New York Times in speaking about publicizing her art. “I felt I had to do this.”
Some of the pieces of her exhibition are inspired by culture as well. Miller is Chinese, which figures an important identity in her work. Her mother was a writer who lives through the Cultural Revolution, and immigrated from China.
“I spent the first two decades of my life shying away from my Chinese heritage, trying to be normal, bland and mainstream like so many kids do,” Miller told The New York Times. “But this is a chance to embrace that aspect of myself publicly,” she noted, which she does through her upcoming art exhibition.
She’s also created cartoons in response to the racist treatment of Asian Americans throughout the pandemic.
Miller’s Chinese culture was not the only identity indicative of her journey. The prevalent rape culture in the United States was a prominent constraint on her ability to process the assault, and to fully come forward as the person who it happened to.
In the United States culture, rape is normalized as a thing that just happens, which is completely wrong and damaging to survivors. It’s manifested strongly in Miller’s work, given the publicity of her assault. I read her memoir, Know My Name, this summer and was completely taken back by how little I knew about her, the victim, in comparison to her perpetrator, who was largely publicized.
Miller heartbreakingly illustrates her court battle against him, having to constantly see him and his family, having to put her and her loved one’s life on hold and all of it was happening to her completely against her will. She initially didn’t even want to press charges, didn’t even want to tell her parents and most importantly, didn’t want anyone to know who she was.
Narratives from the perspective of the victim are integral in changing the societal perception of sexual assault. We need to hear their stories, understand their pain and trauma, and be able to support and empathize with victims in order to break the stigma against those sexually assaulted. Miller’s writing and art are pivotal to this movement, and are important creative works.
Sources:
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/05/arts/design/chanel-miller-museum-mural.html
https://www.thecut.com/2019/09/chanel-miller-from-brock-turner-case-wants-us-to-know-her-name.html
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0735223726?tag=randohouseinc8259-20
Wow. This was an amazing post. I’ve heard of Chanel Miller’s name frequently after the release of her book, when she decided to break free from her alias as Emily Doe, but I never knew about her artwork. This is so so beautiful and empowering to survivors. I love how you brought light to the issue surrounding media coverage of her perpetrator. I agree in that his sentence was utter bullshit, but that is how a white man lives in America. I remember hearing his name so much at the time of this incidence and it was so frustrating because he was often framed as an innocent young boy rather than a violent, evil monster. She’s so brave not only be identified, but outwardly turn her pain into a transformative voice. Her artwork truly illuminates pieces of suffering, but also the unwilling constraints that held her back. It is so empowering to see how she didn’t let those constraints hold her back, but rather used them to outwardly speak against sexual violence and encourage others to share their stories too. It is crucial for us as a society to believe survivors and properly punish perpetrators.
ReplyDeleteThis post gave me chills. I have been told to read her memoir and it is definitely on my reading list now. I had seen these drawings before but never knew who was behind them or the deep meaning behind them. I think what stands out so much about Miller's work is how generally relatable it is to anybody going through a difficult situation mentally. It is comforting to see how other people cope and survive while you are trying to do the same. Using your pain as an outlet and a way to let other people know they aren't alone is so powerful.
ReplyDeleteThis post really resonated with me. I find it interesting that you say her work is extrinsically motivated. I totally understand that because her creativity was used to shift society and provide a supportive space for survivors of sexual assault. I also think that Miller was extrinsically motivated just as much as she was intrinsically motivated. She needed to create to move on and get her through the stages of healing.
ReplyDeleteI love the line, “My drawings are never about the assault but how to live with it." This is so important because more often than not, society looks past the damaging effects rape has on survivors. Society sees rape as a crime that happened, and then does not pay any mind to the waves of trauma that ensue thereafter. Miller's work changes that reality. Miller doesn't let her work be owned by her assailant.
By creating, Miller takes back ownership of her life.
This is super cool. I read her letter to her assaulter in high school and it was very moving and I commend her for speaking out. I had no idea she was also an artist though. The way people treated her after was awful and it seems that drawing helps her process her emotions and feelings. She's showing that painful events can be processed in a healthy and creative way, while helping people continue on. It shows that she is extrinsically and intrinsically motivated. She is a public figure, but I think unfortunately too many people can relate to her story. Her art can really make people feel seen in their situations and I definitely am going to check out more of her pieces.
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